This post is a bit different from my previous posts, you know I rarely bring up my love life although this is a personal blog. Even if I do, I only describe them in story telling or poems. So, on this post I'm going to tell you a bit of my love story according to the image above.
A little bit about myself and love
When it comes to love I could really love deeply and get attached, in fact lose myself. At some point its different depending on how the other person is. In a toxic relationship, I could really let my self go and just want to make the person happy, in a healthy yet too understandable relationship, my ego rises up destroying not only me but the other person. LOL. A relationship is both ways, I guess I just haven't found it.
I have a friend just like me, surprisingly that friend is a boy, I never imagined a boy could be so full of emotions for a deep love like that, but he said, it is actually a privilege earning our love, they get loyalty in any form, a sincere affection (love and care), and a person who never gives up. But at the same time if we are broke, it could really be the end of the world. We love so deeply that we also hurt so deeply.
For me personally, after a heartbreak I'll totally withdraw myself from the person and everything that triggers memories and feelings, because they are that fragile. At some point, the easiest way of coping with it is to hate, I mean I naturally hate in some period of time. While still getting over it for years.
About the image.
Recently I have had that 'too understandable' relationship, lol, I don't know how to call it. Its not like any relationships that I have had before (lol ofc every relationship is different and I only had 3:( ). What makes it different is I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone to heal for becoming friends with this person.
You guessed it, it hurts like hell dude. Just like the images above, I've been asking friends exactly the same question, and feeling the exact same thing when my heart and mind are really disruptive, not in sync. Having MDD, breakdowns follow, giving up follows. I mean its a general thing actually if you look up why heartbreaks are close to depression, but since I have MDD, its another story.
It feels so tired having the heart and mind wanting the different things, literally different things as in the heart is not always wanting one thing and the mind is not always wanting one thing.
My heart tells me that I still want his presence, that being friends is okay, that I don't want to lose my best friend, and because it also says that I love him and I want him. But it also says that it hurts that he's not mine anymore and we're still doing this, it hurts that I can't have the relationship that I want, it hurts like hell it feels like dying.
My mind tells me that I should stop hurting myself, that I'm not strong enough and I should let go, its not even worth it anymore. But it also says that I should try, that losing a best friend is a big thing.
Maybe its true that a person like me needs time away to heal and maybe years to come I could actually finally accept being friends. But thats another dilemma too. LOL, I don't know what I'm writing now, its like I'm rambling off.
But, I'll tell you that I wouldn't have the courage or strength to write this if I wasn't in the state of well... hate? or letting go? or?? I don't know. What ever it is, its much more better then being broken and drowning in feelings.
So about that image, I want to share some points of views of the people commenting about it.
This is true. Absolutely. Seeing them (in the point of view of a brokenhearted person, and maybe the same for a one sided love person. In my case its the same lol. Or maybe not dunno.) really hurts, all these thoughts of "he's not mine" "wish it wasn't like this" etc. comes swirling back in.
The second comment is also true. Whatever your intentions are, you can't help but having hope that it'll turn out like the way you want to. Having unexpected expectations are the ones that really hurt. Maybe now for me its like nothing to lose. I belief Allah knows best, and probably some of you have been reading my blogs in the past years, I have this principle that heartbreaks is a way of God saving us from the wrong person. I guess its right in many ways.
The third comment is true. I felt like it was so complicated. That it wasn't as simple as that. My mind actually said that its a simple thing, but when it comes to the heart, you just can't compromise. Its like its eating your mental energy and emotions when you decide to battle your heart.
This is true. Contacting him again made me think, when will I ever move on if I still contacted him? I know some of you might say it is possible but its not that simple. Its a very complicated process between the mind and heart. It makes me just think about him more, and getting nearer, I didn't give myself a chance to breathe and heal. It hurts so much
The second one is a point of view from one of the successful people. Honestly I can't relate, like how could they shut off their feelings like that and still carried it away? Maybe their attachment and enjoyment of their company is much more greater than their own feelings, who knows?
The third comment is just sad. This is probably my biggest fears ever. Being left once without a chance and double with all the feelings while he has moved on. lol. Sometimes I'm so confused and probably hate myself for loving someone that is not worth it so deeply. lol. I like how at the end she said 'gods protection.' I have faith that God whatever it is to come.
Seeing these people in that process that took them for months is terrifying. What could be more exhausting and hurting than living with the pain? Its like living with depression, not a pleasant feeling at all. I think they actually said it all?
I'm starting to wonder myself when will I finally be over my situation. In my toxic relationship it took me 3 years and more to actually feel nothing at all, not even hate. Its like living in a past shadow and it really is torturing.
So this is the point of view from the other person. I actually understand why they want to be friends, I also understand the process of it. I also understand the intentions and the part that they still care. But then again as I said before, its a complicated thing for a heart that feels deeply. They have different feelings and thats also the complicated side.
The reply is true, it feels like a constant reminder of rejection. The feeling of being told the person doesn't love you hurts so bad, questions swirling in the mind here and there, denial, regret, sadness, everything just letting you drown. They have the intention of not hurting, but they don't understand that being like that actually hurts you. Sad truth.
The last comment is true. It takes a lot of time, energy, emotion, and strength in any way to actually be in that position. I know someone that has been in that position, and gotten her love back after 'submitting' herself (lol that doesn't sound right but you get what I mean). She is strong, she has faith and courage. Every work that you put in to will show results and I adore her for that.
But everyone's strength is different with so many possibilities. In the end when it comes to soulmates, whether you fight the battle or not, Gods choices are inevitable. If you choose to fight, it all comes back to if its worth it or not, and I leave that part to God. I believe that God will give me the feelings of whether or not their worth it.
In the end, if we were to be in a relationship, we all should figure things out and not make
actions based on decisions and conclusions on our own. If it were a
relationship, then growing together is the key. Having a lifetime friend means something like that.
