I had this urge to write after watching the second episode of a rising kdrama. It got me thinking and gave me lingering feelings that made me sad. I have this hobby to miss the past and wish things were back the way they were, its a toxic feeling, and after watching that second episode, the feeling came to hit me and put me back to my senses.
Yes, I realized that this is the reality that I have to live in now and this is who I am now. Even the fact that I miss my old self is toxic.
The female lead in this kdrama is not a typical independent girl crush that I now look up to. She's a character that maybe every girl in junior/high school looks up to. She's a cheerful character, reckless, blunt, immature, impulsive, and egoistic (maybe not in a bad way but neither is it good). She has this idealistic idea of her dreams and how to get there, how to make friends, how she can cheer people up. What I mean as egoistic is she has this idea all to herself from her perspective without considering her surroundings, she feels that what she does is right, people will open up and accept it because her intentions were good. But, in reality, thats not always the case.
Watching this particular character got me thinking of a conversation that I made with a friend a couple of months ago. In that conversation, we had the same type of girl crush, it was an independent woman, mature, practical, smart, elegant, and tough. A perfect example of that type of character is Yelena and Scarlet Witch from Marvels, funny enough, we both like them.
But that's not what got me thinking. I was thinking about the statement that I made to her, saying that I didn't understand why some people would love a character that is immature, reckless, and does what she wants without thinking about it, someone like Kate Bishop. I am very annoyed by those types of character.
But, the moment I stated that to my friend, deep down I knew I was someone who did like those types of characters. Just like the girl from the kdrama, there was a time that I looked up to her. Through my junior and first 2 senior years, I was that type of character. Someone who is close to everyone cause of how easygoing she was, how there are no limitations to how she dreams, and to do things from her perspective.
I asked myself over and over again from the day that that conversation was held until I finished the second episode of the kdrama, "why did I end up hating that type of character so much?" I finally stirred up the courage to answer and face myself. Probably because I just wanted to be like that again, but I can't because I don't know how to go back.
The fact that I missed my old self so badly and the fact that I ask myself "how did I end up being stiff, not fun, and awkward?" was so dreadful to me. Flashback episodes of my life start to come after questioning myself, showing every single reason why I ended up the way I am now. "Can anybody like me now even though I'm not as easygoing and fun as I used to?" That was my ultimate question after having those flashbacks. Growing up I realized that I have lesser friends now and it was hard to accept myself if that were true.
But, I understood that the way I was was kind of toxic, not to only myself but to others too. I may have that trait still, and its something that I try so hard to fight with, the fact that that is the most hateful thing of me.
To be honest, after what I've gone through in my last year of senior high and first year of college, I tried to go back to my old self. That cheerful, idealistic, and immature person. But, there were a couple of incidents that got me thinking and probably changing myself into how I am now.
"You don't know how to read the room, it's annoying when the room is serious," was what someone said once, after a long day and seeing him and his friend had a bit of a rough conversation. I naturally went up to them intending to lighten up the mood and make them feel better with my usual cheerful and random self. Then, that was when he said it and it was like a knife stabbed deep in not only my heart but my thoughts.
I wouldn't even dare to try anything like that anymore even though my intentions were good. I would often think, "we don't know what is in their heart or if they appreciate it, so it'll be better to just be that typical person and ask them if they are okay rather than try to make them feel better." At some point, because of that, I've gotten myself numb because not doing something that I usually do with my pure emotions and intentions is something emotionless and insincere. While in the other hand, I don't even know how I would go back to my old self without being afraid of being 'hatted' like that.
That was probably the first time that I was told off by someone in my face. At some point, I do feel grateful to him, but sometimes it also puts me in a slum.
Another experiences that got me thinking that personality is toxic is when people seem to leave me. That idealistic point of view, that I believe I could achieve, whether it was a dream job, or a dream relationship, is somewhat a double-edged sword for me. To one extent, I feel and at most times achieve what I want, I have a clear idea of it, but when it comes to relationships, friends, lovers, or family, that could be toxic. I expect people to be the way I perceive them to be and I expect them to understand how I act. When things go wrong, I would blame it on them. Luckily enough, through experiences, I had the chance to rather self-blame. It would take a while for me to see things objectively, to see my fault and theirs, and how things don't work out.
All these experiences have gotten me thinking, "what's the use of trying?" and that question has been coming across my mind a lot. The urge for perfection from that idealistic personality is faded because of that. I no longer try my hardest, I don't want to be hurt, whether it's a dream or in a relationship. But sometimes a part of me will say, "Its okay, God knows your intentions, God knows your hard work, you'll get hurt sometimes but thats okay, God will give you something more." After that, I end up hurting and hurting again, I end up disappointed and regretting things again. Even though I tried to take out that toxic trait of mine and do things differently, in fact probably change myself, it was sometimes just the same.
Either way, I noticed how toxic I could be because of how I was.
I don't know why I would miss my old self when it was kind of toxic. Probably the fact that I was happier and carefree. Where everything was going my way. Now, I feel like it's really hard to accept things, it also gets lonely, I find it harder to express myself and be attached to people. Besides being toxic, at least I loved myself so much back then.
Today, I would say that I have my ups and downs in self-love. There are times that I am grateful for who I am now and what I have achieved, but there are times that I wished it was different. The 'what ifs' sometimes come to mind and I start to feel bad about myself.
All and all, this lingering feeling is finally released a bit here. I still wish I could at least be that easygoing, dumb-assed cheerful person again, to have that fun and exciting feeling again with others, at least then, I wouldn't feel so lonely and empty. I would feel as if I am living.
