Heartbreaks are the best teachers—but fuck, no more

Yep, I love how breakups change how I see and navigate the world, but it fucking hurts. I can't bear the pain. Does one have to go through pain each time to change and learn? No, they don't. But it does take a great amount of self-awareness and humility (which I don't think any human being can fully achieve) to constantly improve and learn without the universe rubbing it in your face.

So, yeah, this is a heartbreak post. I never actually explicitly posted about going through a heartbreak, but here I am. Seven months after the official breakup and two months after the official separation, I want to share my feelings, thoughts, and lessons from what people say was my karmic relationship.

The relationship (A brief story)

Karmic relationships are often described as past lovers, a kind of mystical reincarnation voodoo, or a way for the universe to get back at you for all the sins or hurt you’ve inflicted on others in your life. But that isn’t really the case. In the psychological world, karmic relationships are a form of trauma bonding. Two people can feel an instant connection and familiarity with each other, making it incredibly hard to be apart because of the attachment. It’s a toxic relationship that brings more harm than good, but its purpose is to transform us, change who we are, and help us see the world from a different perspective. While it can leave trauma, its main purpose is actually to help us release the trauma within us.

That was the case for me and my ex. It was excruciating. We connected so quickly and started dating within two weeks. It felt familiar, like I could trust him—it was the first time I had opened up to someone that way and that fast. It defied logic because, at its root, it felt like I had known this guy for a very long time.

I did realize early on that the relationship wasn’t meant to last. Somehow, I intuitively knew it was meant to be a lesson. I even mentioned it to him in the first few days of dating: “Let’s treat this relationship as a simulation to build a serious relationship or to grow in general.” But man, was I arrogant to think I could control my feelings.

I fell deeply for him and became dependent on him, even though we both tried to maintain emotional boundaries due to the hurt we caused to each other throughout the relationship, but in the end, it did teach me many important lessons.

Then came the fallout. It started to hurt me psychologically. I realized that the way we both showed love couldn’t be felt by the other. Eventually, I just gave up. We had no contact for a month after the breakup, but being apart was so painful—I guess it was the same for him. We reconnected for another 3.5 months until the final separation. It was the first time I felt emotionally cornered into “moving on” because he had already detached a month before the final separation.

The lessons I learned from the heartbreak

As toxic as it was, I still have no regrets about going through all of that and being with him. But, I wouldn’t do it again, nor would I want to endure that level of pain just to learn these lessons ((aamiin)). I do wish we could have separated with an open conversation and maturity, but I guess it was meant to be this way.

I won’t share the lessons I learned during the relationship—they’re for my personal consumption—but I will share what the separation and healing process has taught me.

1. When it comes to relationships, it's mostly grey areas,  there's no right or wrong.

• Moving on is subjective. Some people move on quickly—it isn't wrong, they just experience emotions differently. Instead of dwelling on the past, they consciously choose to move forward. Everyone processes feelings at different depths. Those who move on quickly initially did care and love their ex, but it's just not that deep and their emotions don’t weigh them down, making it easier to let go.
  Ultimately, it comes down to values. To someone who prioritizes emotions, this might seem cold and not genuine. But to those who value growth, it’s simply moving forward. There’s no right or wrong—just different ways of living.

• What I thought I wanted wasn’t what I truly wanted, and what I thought I didn’t want turned out to be exactly what I needed. I won’t go into details, but that’s just how it is. It really reframed how I see relationships, I shouldn't be too strict on it.

2. Relearning but in a whole other level

• Breakups all feel the same, yet each one is different at its core—always a level harder than the last. Healing requires letting go of old habits. For me, it meant reconnecting my heart and mind first. Only then could my heart accept what my mind already knew.

• I can’t convince someone to stay if they don’t want to. I can’t change their feelings. Having the same values in life and relationships doesn’t mean you have the same goals. Timing is everything.

• At the end of the day, I only have myself. I have to choose me—to save myself, to heal. No one else is going to do it for me. That means reframing how I talk to myself, how I solve problems, and how I approach self-growth. I won’t go into details, though—hahaha.

• To reconnect my heart and mind, I had to retrain my body to sit with pain, to let it surface gently so it wouldn’t spiral into a panic attack. Man, I was so afraid (and honestly, I think I still am) of myself.

• When moving on means forgiving them more than regretting and when forgiving yourself means rebuilding confidence—I remind myself: I did good. I never intended to hurt him or get back at him at all throughout the relationship, it was my ignorance that hurt him. But I tried my best, that should be enough. But the real challenge was forgiving him, because there were many instances that he was fully aware what he did, he’s smarter than me.

3. What you believed in gets challenged

• If values and mindset already align, does sekufu still matter? Turns out, it does. At the end of the day, people choose their own people—whether in friendships or relationships. Pribumi with pribumi, Chinese with Chinese, mixed with mixed. We’re never truly 100% open. It’s not about discrimination, just a preference—the familiarity and similarity that make us feel safe and understood.

• Turns out, it’s not just about how you express love—it’s about both people being willing to understand what makes the other feel loved.

• Does the one exist? Or is a healthy long lasting relationship like marriage something you build with whoever you’re with? Does it all come down to both of your willingness to just change? Honestly, I'm still figuring it out. I always thought a partner is an outerworld thing, but I guess it's the same as finding a career, there's a bit of both, your effort and God's define.

4. Acceptance in a whole new level, I can't do it the way I did before.

• It would've never worked out. I never thought I’d experience that kind of relationship where I love someone so much yet know it won't ever be. We were just meant to teach each other something. At least, that’s how I see it. Accepting that is tough. In the end, we weren’t really the right partners for each other. That realization hurts. 

• We never gave the best of ourselves because deep down, we knew we couldn’t accept each other, couldn't give each other the respect we needed. It was a dead end. We couldn’t make it work because what we needed, our egos, and the dynamic we wanted were just too different.

• The hardest part is the lack of communication and understanding. I’ll never know if he truly fell out of love, if he lost respect for me, if he found someone new to fill the space I left, or if, in the end, I was never worth it to him. I’ll never know—but I know how it ended. And I have the freedom to make my own judgment about it. I can’t keep making excuses for him. He chose not to communicate, and that says a lot.
  

5. The person I hold on to is just an illusion 

This is something I have to relearn and accept all over again too actually. The one I miss so badly, the one I think about every day, is a person from the past—he doesn’t exist anymore. Even if he’s still the same, I’m holding on to the good sides of him while ignoring the bad, when both are equally important. Maybe I’m not even holding on to him, but to an idea—a version of him shaped by his potential, by what could have been if we had made different choices. But in the end, our choices define who we were back then.

6. Reclaiming myself

I have regrets, but they’re for myself. I hurt myself by not standing up for myself. I didn’t fight because I wanted peace. I let him have his way in things, I let things slide, and allowed him to treat me the way he wanted to. I lost myself, and in doing so, built up resentment and pain. I put the relationship first, then him, then me. And yet, he always said to put ourselves first. I guess that says a lot about what came first on his list, he isn't wrong though.

So now, little by little, I’m learning from all the ways I betrayed myself. I’m rebuilding my own trust, setting boundaries, and showing others how to treat me—not only through words, but also through action.

Ending statement

At the end of it all, this breakup wasn’t just about losing him—it was about finding myself again. The pain, the lessons, the unanswered questions, they all led me back to me. It’s bittersweet, really. I walked into this relationship thinking I had control, that I could keep things at arm’s length, that I could treat it like a “simulation.” But love doesn’t work that way. Neither does growth.

Healing isn’t linear, I feel things so deeply, and I had to accept that I move on on a slow pace. Some days, I feel like I’ve moved forward. Other days, the weight of it all comes crashing back. And that’s okay. The love, the heartbreak, the regrets—they were all real. But so is the person I’m becoming because of them.

I may never fully understand why things happened the way they did, and I may never get the closure I wanted. But I do know this: I am learning, I am healing, and I am reclaiming myself. And that’s enough. Man, that's so emotional. LOL.